Christian

I feel sick in my something, every day almost all the time. Nobody should have to deal with this much anxiety at age 20. The clocks ticking, we all start to die at birth, and I need to get some answers or at least a moment to breathe. Never have I had such an urge to leave this world and disappear to somewhere foreign. England, Italy, New Zealand… somewhere new…

Fuck.

You know what twists me up? Music fucks with me, movies, everything, everything, every fucking thing.

I’m wanna get all lagered up, I wanna get mashed, plastered and ready for some of the ‘old ultraviolence.’ I wanna smash something to ease MY pain. Pretty selfish huh?

Sometimes I feel strung along, I think if anyone else were in my shoes they’d feel the same way.

Fix my heart please. Please baby, I’m having a really hard time picking up the pieces.





(On a lighter note)

I'm happy to be in LA, see my dad, won my league, getting all that Christmas shopping taken care of...

I'm just getting so tired of Feeling.

I'm [sic].

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It was a very good show. :)

I'm not sure why I'm writing. Why I've decided to post, but I believe that its because I generally only write in a Livejournal when I'm feeling down (which is rare), so perhaps I should balance it out a little.

I'm trying to gain weight. I might be the only person in the country who is shooting for that goal right now, and had it not been for my friend Mr. Tonsillitis, this would not be a goal of mine, I would just want lean muscle mass. But now I'm on a bodybuilders diet trying to gain back the progress that was stripped from me by illness. So I spent my weekend eating tons of meat, carbs, and beer (which is definitely not part of my diet, but is part of wedding celebrations).

I got to visit my cousins this weekend, they're all badass fighters and musicians. It's strange that all the Boe kids have similar interests. Oh, and I almost forgot, it turns out that my family has a family crest! My cousin Marty has it tattooed onto his back, and Ian has it above his door at his office. So, I'm definitely going to get a Boe family crest for my room.

Alrighty then folks, that's the update for my life at the moment, I think I'll stay positive for awhile.

You know what!?

Blah Blah! Oogaly Boogaly! WOO WOO BOO BOO! Chew chew, mew mew! Okay? Cool. Alright, yummy, mental breakdown. :D :) :D :) :D :) :D :) :D :) :D :) :D :) :D
1\/14y133 1 <41\1 51-10uT 1_11<3 T1-115!

My summer hasn't started, but I'm not sure when it will. It was a lot simpler when I was 5 and I didn't feel like I had to support my mother. I never thought the day would come when the signs of her aging would be so apparent, and while I rubbed her sore fingers, time began to feel inevitable. So I'll move to LA and get a job, because that's where the moneys at, that's where I can help pay the bills, I go so that she can rest.

It may sound easy, I talk about it the same way that I talk about transferring schools. She needs the money, but I thought it would be different. I thought a lot of things would be different. Time moves whether or not I'm there to catch it, I'm finding it hard to come to terms with that.

One night I was sitting in my car with Nick waiting for the high school theater to open. This was only minutes before Mr. Anderson decided to scare the shit out of us by slamming his face against the window and running off into the night. We were parked in front of the pit, and the rain was coming down hard. I don't remember who he was with at the time, I think it was an Emily. But he was so down, and I wanted to help him out, but I just couldn't relate to how he was feeling. But, I don't think that he was hurting the way that I am now. They tell you that time is supposed to heal, they say that it's supposed to get better. But it just keeps getting harder and harder. My chest constantly feels nauseous, my knees and toes tingle and cringe constantly, I never thought that emotions could be so physical, I didn't know that mental things could speak my language. What happened to me being a rock? I don't know whether I miss that or not. On the one hand I wouldn't trade these emotions for anything, but on the other hand, I really wish that they would stop.

It's not like I didn't try to let go. I don't want to feel this way, but every song makes me think about her, every time I see a nice car, a big house, kids, adults, cats, dogs, life, death, dreams, all her. I'm envious of whoever comes next. I want it to be me, but its impossible to be sure with distance, time... luck? Time, you are a bitch. So are you distance, fuck off.

Well, I feel a lot better now that I got a chance to vent. I'm going to go do something masculine now to balance myself out. Maybe football?

I was sitting in a large warehouse located on a foggy dock. The large broken building is apparently a classroom at my school. I am sitting on a couch by the window with Lisa sitting next to me. Brendan, Nick and a few people that I could not identify. I was staring out the window watching the military fire missiles at the buildings; the missiles looked like giant sidewinder missiles. Massive fireworks were exploding all around us, they were the military's attempts at veiling the assault. An Orca hover jet was floating above the adjacent building firing through the roof.

We ran out of the warehouse and out to the shore. As I glanced over my shoulder, on the roof of the warehouse, I saw the silhouette of a mexican man on a donkey. He had a giant sombrero and a bullet belt. I knew he had bad intentions for us. As we ran down the port, to the right side of me was ships and ocean, to the left was a residential area. Evil girls on unicycles started attacking us with kitchen knives as we ran. It was like anime because when we would kick them they would fly away. However, a cop was driving on side of us and we began a game of red light green light. When ever the cop would look forward and drive, we would beat up one of the killers, but when he would look over at us, we would have to stand and smile at him.

~Christian

I had a strange dream last night that I really didn't enjoy, I've had a few of those lately. 2 Days ago Tony Hawk was making out with some guy at a party and they put ski ramps around my school to help students to avoid running into lighting zombies. So Lisa and I basically spent the dream hiding from zombies and a fat kid who made the sky rain while trying to rescue Ashkahn and Luke from the insane asylum (which looked like a pre-school) because Luke had been pulled over twice; both times by fire trucks for some reason.

But my one from last night was strange too. I was at my school, but there was no Porter B building, it was replaced with a building that looked identical to B building but was called Kresge. Anyways, the Army was on our campus fighting a war with an enemy about 1000 yards away on an opposing beach (we were closer to the beach in the dream) and they were using seagulls to track the enemy movement and clear away fog of war, like a video game. Everyone was really supportive of the war and all the boys were going to do some WW2 Omaha Beach Assault thing and get torn to pieces, and I couldn't convince them to let me drive a tank. The army was also shooting a 50. caliber machine gun into the side of the building. So before I was supposed to leave, I went to see Lisa, who for some reason was in Kresge. She was in her room with my neighbor Sarah talking on the phone, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get to her. Then instead of rushing the beach I had to solve some puzzle for a devil/imp thing and then tried to find Lisa again, and I woke up still searching. Grrrrr…

On a lighter note: My morning quickly turned good when I woke up to find that my neighbor Marc had uploaded new music onto my I-Pod, all of my old stuff (before my CD's were stolen) and tons of new stuff. This may take a minute, he gave me 311, A perfect circle, a tribe called quest, acdc, adema, akira yamaoka, anti-flag, allele, apocalyptica, atreyu, audioslave, balzag, the beach boys, black sabbath, the beatles, blitzkid, the bloodhound gang, blur, bob marley, bright eyes, chevelle, children of bodom, cky, the clash, clutch, coal chamber, cream, the cure, cypress hill, daft punk, daniel lioneye, danzig, dead kennedys, death cab for cutie, the deftones, devildriver, dimmu borgir, dir en grey, disturbed, dj danger mouse, dog fashion disco, the doors, dope, dawnthesun, dragonforce, the dresden dolls, dropkick murpheys, drowning pool, dry cell, the eagles, electric six, eminem, evanescance, the faint, faith no more, fear factory, fireball ministry, flogging molly, flyleaf, foo fighters, fort minor, fountains of wayne, franz ferdinand, gackt, gang starr, godsmack, gogol bordello, gorillaz, gravy train!!!!, green day, guitar wolf, guns n' roses, the haunted, the headwig and the angry inch soundtrack, helmet, HIM, hole, hoobastank, horrorpops, HORSE the band, hot hot heat, house of pain and everlast, iggy pop, ima robot, in flames, Interpol, Iron maiden, jet, Jimi Hendrix, Jurassic 5, kenna, the killers, kittie, korn, lacuna coil, ladytron, le tigre, led zeppelin, the lillingtons, limp bizkit, linkin park, lollipop lust kill, lordi, lovex, the lovemakers, lucky boys confusion, marilin manson, Spawn: the soundtrack, Queen of the Damned: the soundtrack, the mars volta, the matches, mc lars, meat loaf, meshuggah, metallica, mindless self indulgence, the misfits, motley crue, the moone Suzuki, motorhead, mr. bungle, mudvayne, the murderdolls, muse, mushroomhead, my chemical romance, neil young, nickleback, nine inch nails, nirvana, no doubt, NWA, NOFX, oasis, the offspring, oingo boingo, ok go, one minute silence, orgy, outkast, ozzy, POD, The Matrix: soundtrack, panic! At the disco, panzer ag, papa roach, the peaches, pink floyd, powerman 5000, prince, prodigy, queens of the stone age, radiohead, rage against the machine, the ramones, rancid, the rasmus, ratatat, the red hot chile peppers, regina spektor, roadrunner united, rob dougan, rob zombie, the rolling stones, roni size, run dmc, samhain, carlos Santana, saosin, senser, sepultura slayer, slipknot, she wants revenge, soundgarden, the sounds, the spooky kids, stabbing westward, stars, static-x, stonesour, the Freddie vs Jason soundtrack, stonetemple pilot, the stooges, strapping young lad, the strokes, stutter fly, system of a down, team sleep, the streets, tears for fears, temple of the dog, tenacious d, 3 days grace, thrice, tiger army, tom Lehrer, tom petty and the heartbreakers, tomahawk, tool, tori amos, the transplants, type o negative, u2, union underground, the uninvited, the Crow soundtrack, weezer, the white stripes, weird al yankovic, white zombie, the who, wolfmother, the yeah yeah yeahs!, and the zombies.

Woot! And that’s just the stuff I wanted, this is a microfraction of how much music this kid has. And for every band that I named that I already have, I now have everything that they ever did, and most likely all of their underground shit + stuff they did before they were famous. YAY for more music!!! How will I ever listen to it all???

“…Woke up! Got outta bed, dragged a comb across my head…” 2:00 P.M. Luke was bringing a group of people to KFC because he has a 5 day meal plan and can’t eat on campus on the weekends. Roby and Marc were off somewhere. Sarah and Molly were hosting a chocolate party that started at 2 and ended at 10. After finishing up an assignment I headed over to Sarah and Molly’s party. However, it winds up being Roby and me hanging out and playing the guitar. This was awesome because I learned some new songs. I’m learning Sick Little Suicide by the Matches and Burnout by Green Day. I also had a sweet jam session which was pretty tight. I ate some raspberries and fudge and then went back to my room. I ended up importing a little over 20 gigabytes of music onto my I-pod thanks to Marc’s massive music library. Ashkahn came back drunk and high at 3 AM; he calls it being “Hunk” and proceeded to roll around on the ground while Roby and I fucked with him for like 45 minutes while watching Bleach. BTW Bleach sux in English as opposed to Japanese. “BO HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

It was a calm day. :D

...and maybe I'm losing sleep over nothing maybe I'll be just fine he's tears me away from all those little things that seemed so important when i knew you and though we are falling stars we feel just fine and though it seems we're not far we need more time...

...and though we are falling stars we feel just fine and though it seems we're not far we need more time...

It's been running through my head all day. This song makes me sad/happy and sometimes it makes my cry. Hmmmm... it sounds strange hearing myself say that.

I have been saved only a few times in my life; and I dont mean like falling off of a cliff and someone grabbing your hand (those types of life saving have happened quite a few times). The first big one was by my brother, Nick when he convinced me not to start hard drugs (I dont know if he knows that he did me that favor and I'll thank him for it someday). The second time was by my girl, Lisa. She taught me how to feel and express my repressed emotions.

So... thanks for saving my life/sanity.

love
Christian

P.S. Thanks Darren and Nick for catching my hand when I did fall off of a cliff. ;D

I don' think that many people realize how amazing the feat that I am about to perform is. I am considering, registering to vote (BUT ONLY FOR CERTAIN BILLS, POLITICIANS CAN DIE FOR ALL I FUCKING CARE. I just hate the idea that I am allowing politicians to believe that I am par-taking in their lame fucking game. They're just like little kids with too much candy. I still believe that we do not have enough freedom when it comes to picking politicians, my opinion is still that we have a choice between 2 shitheads (ones usually better than the other, but they both generally suck). But it doesn't mean that I dont want to raise minimum wage and other issues that I care about. I suppose I've begun to question my anarchist views or maybe I believe that I cant do much outside of the system without building bombs or being a terrorist/student and I dont think thats too realistic. I still refuse to vote for politicians, I am still not a democrat or a republican, I am still apathetic to most political issues, I refuse to argue politics except for with certain people, and I still refuse to do such menial dickhead things like "jury duty" HAHA! Speaking of which, they never fucking got me for blowing off jury duty like 4 months ago. Everyone told me "oh, their gonna send a warrant for your arrest!" yeah right, told you that the government doesn't give a fuck. Those retard monkeys in suits. mwahaha! once again bowser is correct!!!

Now where do I stand? I guess I'm a moderate once again. :p